Octavio Bruetman #70

Octavio Bruetman, Rookie Cutter

Height: Taller than me

Weight: Heavier than me

Favorite Player: Kenneth

IQ: At least triple digits

Biggest Play of Season: Not touching the “never-in” huck 50 yards down the field and 20 yards out of bounds. Incredible self restraint.

Second Biggest Play of Season: Praying his way into 8tavio fame

First off, definitely not as dumb as Hair claims. Bolt’s oft-maligned O-line cutter definitely got into Northwestern University. Hails from the great state of crabs (the aquatic kind ಠ_ಠ), and supposedly good at baseball.

When not pretending to study or encouraging people to consume more milk, “Tavi” makes his living on the field beating the snot out of hapless defenders or attempting to decapitate teammates with his flick hucks. Excellent at finding space on offense as well as throwing ping-pong balls into plastic cups. Terrible at closing his mouth and walking in straight lines.

Assuming he makes it through the summer in one place, he’ll be a terrible influence on NUT’s rookie classes for years to come.

Written by Kenneth Xuan