There is really only one thing you must know about Michael J. Hamburger: if you are ever in a moving vehicle with this man be on the lookout for cows. Cows in pastures, cows on farms, cows with good statures, cows on chicken parms. At the sight of said animal, exclaim, “Cow, I win!” prior to Burger and you will have crowned yourself champion of one of the most prestigious car ride games in NUT history. Forever immortalized among the greats. Fail to do this and you will suffer at the hands of Michael and his annoying snickering chuckle. It’s really not that hard.
Aside from Burger’s propensity for identifying bovine animals on the side of the road, a trait made even stranger by the unfortunate relationship between cows and the word “Hamburger”, Mike can best be identified by his grizzled cheeks and thunderous dunks, also known as Hamburgles. This man once Hamburglarized an entire village in Slovenia carrying only a tin cooking pot and a rickety tent from NU Outdoors Club, of which he was the president, simply because they were using an orange frisbee. He even got Bif to shave his famed side-burns by rocking the infamous facial hair for Halloween one year. Legendary.
In the coming year Burger will be taking the gooble-gobble about the realness of numbers he learned from majoring in Math and Philosophy to Idaho in order to teach wilderness creatures advanced multi-variable calculus. NUT wishes Burger the very best in his future endeavors and expects a nice pipeline of talent coming from Idaho in the next 3-5 years thanks to the fledgling ultimate program he will start. A great player and an even better friend, NUT has gained more than it could ever have deserved from Michael J. Hamburger and will forever be grateful he decided to stop by freshman year.
Written by Will Frolich